Way down deep inside of me, beneath all the real things I should be worried about, is another kind of fear.
It’s the fear that I’m overdoing it. The fear that I’m being dramatic. The fear, to put it simply, that I’m talking about all of this too much.
I want to talk about it, online and in person. I want to share my heart with the people around me, even when my heart is not something kind and good and wrapped up in a neat bow.
But I’m worried that every moment of talking about it comes across as a solicitation for attention.
As an attempt to make the conversation about me.
I am worried, way deep down, that people will look back and say wow, Meghan sure did make a huge, dramatic deal out of this non-malignant tumor.
And that’s another point: Things could be so, so much worse. And I don’t want to treat this situation with an enormity that is an affront to the people who have had it so, so much worse.
But at the same time, it is enormous in my life.
And I do want to talk, and I do want to be heard.
And I’m grateful for the patience that has been shown to me — probably without me realizing it, most of the time — by people who are willing to listen.
— The update —
T minus 48 hours until surgery. I’m feeling very nervous and, at the same time, very ready to get this first step over with & out of the way. If you’d like to pray, please pray for the calm I need to soak up some normalcy tomorrow during my last day of work, as well as safe travels & lots and lots of peace for my mom & dad.